Left Out
by Latinagal
Summary: It’s eating me up inside. I try to yell but the pain comes back. I want to run but nowhere to hide. In my mind is where I’m stuck, in the world of pain, misery and insanity…
1. Part One: Murderer

_Latinagal presents: _

**_Left out _**

**_Part One_**

_It's eating me up inside. I try to yell but the pain comes back. I want to run but nowhere to hide. In my mind is where I'm stuck, in the world of pain and insanity… _

"Pony, please put it down!" Soda cried out.

"No! I'm through with this, I brought misery to everyone's life, I killed Johnny and Dally, mom and dad died because of me! Can't you just understand that I just want to die!" I shouted, pulling the blade closer to my throat. "Where's superman to save us now?"

**Default- **Characters belong to S.E. Hinton.

**_Chapter 1: _**

What should I say about myself? Well, my name is Ponyboy Curtis. I am fifteen and a half. Have two brothers, Darry and Sodapop, who are the best brothers anyone could ask for. Darry is the oldest (21), while Sodapop (18) is the second oldest. Lastly comes me, the youngest.

Not much has changed during this past year. Soda and Darry still worked at the same jobs, living happy. They moved on with the incident that occurred last year, but did I? I couldn't get over changes rapidly. There's a deep hole inside my soul, which I blame myself for losing Dally and Johnny, even my parents.

I can't help but feel guilty about the past. Everyone told me that it's not my fault. Except for Steve, he keeps his mouth shut and never talks to me, unless needed. It didn't bother me though; I knew if he had the chance, he would speak the truth.

At least he would be truthful, while everybody else told me lies. It is my fault; I am the burden of this family. I cause trouble without even realizing the consequences. How could I never of predicted that Dally and Johnny would die? Those were my dumb mistakes that I couldn't fix. They were as good as dead. So many sacrifices that people made for me, which I wasn't even worth.

Sodapop and Darry worked hard to keep me in school. But how do I repay them? Oh yeah, by killing two of our group members. Why couldn't they say that I am the problem? Don't they know I could handle the truth? I didn't even deserve the title of a Greaser or even Ponyboy Curtis. I am a murderer, and always will be. Killing two people I loved just for the sake of keeping me free. God, I must be a conceded little bastard.

I should be in jail by now, maybe even in Alcatras or America's most wanted. Not in Oklahoma, roaming around the street freely. Somehow, I could picture myself behind bars.

"Hello…Earth to Ponyboy, are you there?" I heard a voice, as their hand waved in front of my face.

"Sorry about that Sodapop," I muttered, bringing myself back to reality. "I must have zoomed out in my thoughts."

"Zoomed out in your thoughts, that ain't new Pony." Sodapop smiled. We were in the lot around noon. "You remind me of myself back in high school, zooming out, which would be in class."

"Uh huh." I replied, giving away into my thoughts. "You know what I find funny. That everything changed so quickly."

Soda turned serious suddenly, "What do you mean?"

Shit, did I just say that outloud? Oh well, better get this off my chest. "You know the changes."

"You mean Johnny and Dal-"

"No, it's not that," I interrupted, couldn't let him know the situation still bothered me.

"Then what?"

"It's nothing Sodapop, you wouldn't understand," I answered, pulling my hands behind my head. I closed my eyes, while leaning back.

"Try me."

"It's nothing," I repeated, changing subject now. "Soda could you drive me to the library?"

Soda hesitated, "Sure but first tell me what you meant."

"Listen, it's nothing and only a joke." I snapped, opening my eyes, gazing over to see him.

"It didn't seem like a joke to me," Soda shot back, sitting upright. He seemed pained by my reaction but hid it.

I started to feel uneasy, knowing I made Soda sad. "As I said before, it's nothing Soda." Lifting myself from the floor, I felt a twitch behind my back, knowing what it meant already. "I'm going back inside. Darry may need some help."

Sodepop started to rise to his feet. "Well I'm going with you."

"You don't have to Soda-"

"No, it's already getting late." Soda said looking toward the sky. I would of argued but stopped. What would be the point?

"Lets go then," I smirked, as we started to walk back. Entering the house first, I saw Darry sitting on the couch, talking on the phone. He looked toward us and gave a gesture to come inside the living room. I could hear bits of his conversation.

"You want me to work." A few seconds of silence

"Don't I have the day off though?"

"Sure, I'm on my way."Darry hung the up and turned his attention back to us. "Do I need to explain?"

"It's alright Darry," Soda answered. "It's your job and we don't want to get fired,"

I shuddered silently, "If they need you, then go."

Darry smiled sadly, "I knew I could count on you two."

Getting up from his seat, he went to get ready. It's usual now that if Darry or Soda get called in, even if their not suppose to work. I'm mostly left alone now, Two-Bit and Steve barely came over. I wouldn't mind if Two-Bit came, but Steve is another story.

Sodapop settled himself on the couch. "Pony, do you want to watch something?"

"No thanks, I think I'll read." I replied, turning around andheading toward my room.

"Okay but come out if you need anything."

"I will," I answered beforeshutting the door. Same exact moment, the phone started to ring, right on time. Leaning against the door, I heard Soda answer.

"Hello, this is the Curtis resident."

"Steve is that you?"

"What do you mean we have to work?"

" I'll be there in a second,"

"No thanks Steve, I'll take a ride from Darry."

I didn't need to hear more. Flipping to my bed, I grabbed a pillow and threw it over my head. Trying to block the sound, but I could still hear the conversation.

"Darry, I got called in again, could you give me a ride?" Soda started.

"Sure but get a move on Sodapop, I'm late already," Darry's voice came next.

A few seconds of silence. "What about Pony?"

"Well he could take care of himself."

Hesitation,"Okay."

Taking my pillow away, I turned on my back to face the ceiling. Why are they even doing this? They should be having fun, not working. If it weren't for me, Soda would be in school and Darry in college. I don't belong here…never did, no one ever needed me. I felt useless, as tears started to roll down from my eyes.

Hearing a knock on the door, I closed my eyes immediately. "It's open."

"Pony, I have-"

"I already know," I interrupted, feeling a stab of pain.

"Are you going to be all right here alone by yourself?" Soda asked.

"Yeah," I replied quickly, flipping myself to my pillow again.

"See you later Ponyboy," Soda calls out before he leaves. Shutting the door, everything became silent, as my thoughts started to take over.

Why me…Why do I have to cause this pain? A black shadow following people.

* * *

**A/N-** Well I hope you like the first chapter and there's going to be a lot more later on. This is my second Outsiders fic that I'm doing :grins: well see you guys until next time. 

**NOTE-** Please people. . . don't take my plot. I know some people are taking people plots and claiming it to be there's. If you do want my idea then please ask me first and I will decide.


	2. Guilt

**Author note-**_Err! Sorry for the long update! I was stuck on this and I'm kind of trying to update a few things. I'm REALLY REALLY AM SORRY!!!! I'm hoping that the next chapter won't take this long. But you know how I kind of take long? Well the thing is that I kind of just like started a new thing that, which ever story has the most reviews then I'll update. Okay byez for now! Good news!!!! I've fixed my mistakes on the first chapter!!! Oh, I'm dedicating this chapter to Lisa. She's so nice! She made me just jump up and write more to this story. (Every chapter I'll dedicate it to someone.)_

Review:   
**kimmerkay-** Yeah, they are. . . spooky! Lol. 

**Anon-** I've changed that already! Tee hee! It's changed. Thanks for the review 

**Banana Belle-** Here's more. 

**Lisa-** Aww thanks! Hope you enjoy this story a lot! 

**DallysGirl4Life-** Good beginning??? Thanks! Here's more! Enjoy! ^_~ 

**naria4-** updated!!!!****

**Battosai Yuriko-** _I know! I should keep writing on to this story. Here the next chapter!_****

**Stinky Stan-** _I'm so sorry that it took so long!_

**A/N-**_Aww thanks everyone! I feel so loved. Lol. Oh! If I'm talking about things about cutting and stuff. . . I got these ideas from my friend Steven. I'm so glad he's awake from his dark times. He use to cut himself and explained what he did. So i'm going to use a few things he use to do and someone else that will remain unknown._

~*~ 

**_Chapter two: Almost caught_**

When you feel that the world revolves around you, sometimes you do crazy stuff. People ask though, what kind of   
stuff? Well, that's something they have to find out by themselves. Except that, in real life, so many people do lots of   
crazy stuff like drugs, murder or simply cutting themselves. We ask though, why do we do these things? Drugs, alcohol, murder, rape and many other things. Well, the answer is simple…emotions. We become so emotional that the feeling   
just takes over. Am I one of those people whom lets their feelings take over? It's starting to look that way . . . There's a question that runs through my head. _'What am I scared of? Death? Pain?'_ I have no ultimate fear except to make   
someone's life miserable, which that would lead to the emotion of guilt. 

I laid on my bed thinking of the past events. Why should I be thinking of these events? It is the past and what's done is done. Yet, I still can't accept it. What can't I accept? I can't accept that I'm a murderer… I bring pain and misery to   
everyone's life. Even though people deny it, I know that I do… I know the truth. There's nothing that people could hide from me even though it's a secret. I will find out the truth, no matter what happens. 

Someone once told me: _"cutting yourself will take the pain away."_ Did I believe them? Yes, I did after awhile since I started to cut myself. When did I start? I started about six months ago when Johnny and Dally died. I felt so guilty that I needed to cut myself. Darry, Soda and the gang never found out that I cut myself. They're to blind to notice what I do, but cutting is not all. . . Sometimes I don't want to feel the emotion of fear or pain, so I inhale things. (known as sniffing.) 

There are certain objects that I use that mostly lay around the house. Some objects that may seem completely safe   
could be the opposite, including the smallest. The first time I started cut, I used safety pins then started on harder stuff like knives and sharp objects. Sometimes I have to feel pain to release my guilt and it couldn't just be small objects but tools. What sort of tools? Sharp ones that would make you just want to cry. My favorite one was the hammer. It's   
silent, hurts alot, but only leaves a bruise. Probably the only person who suspected that I cut myself has to be Sodapop. Soda started to suspect that I cut myself about two or three weeks ago. . . 

_Darry wasn't home that night since he had to work overtime. Soda and me were watching T.V around eleven at night._   
_I had that feeling, more of a craving now to cut myself. But, how was I supposed to do it with Soda here? I had to act_   
_quickly._

_"Hey Soda. . ." I said uneasily._

_"What is it Pony?" he asked, still looking at the television program._

_"I'm going to the garage for awhile," I said._

_"For what?" Soda asked, taking his eyes off the television and looked at me._

_"I forgot something in the car," I said, trying to sound innocent. He gave me a stern look, then agreed to let me go._

_"Okay Pony, but make sure to lock the garage door before you come back," Soda said. I nodded, while getting up_   
_from my seat and going towards the garage._

_I turned on the light switch as I stood inside garage. The garage wasn't much, but it held about two cars. I started to_   
_move across, looking for something to use. . . anything! Then I'd seen something shimmer on the counter table where_   
_Darry leaves his tools. I looked at it and realized it was a saw. . . the perfect tool. I waited to hear if Soda was coming_   
_towards the garage, just to make sure. Once I knew he wasn't. . . I grabbed the saw from the table and started to bend_   
_down on my right knee then lifted my pants from my left knee. I grabbed the saw and started to make a scrape on my_   
_knee until it bled. It wasn't that big of a cut but it satisfied me enough. I lifted myself up from my knees and put the_   
_saw back._

_I went back to the living room as though nothing had happened. I went to the living room and sat next to Soda, while_   
_he shifted his gaze towards me._

_"Did you find what you needed?" He asked._

_"Yeah, I did."_

_"Well, what was it then?" Oh shit. . . What was I suppose to say?_

_"Umm. . . My book."_

_"Your book for what?"_

_"Soda it's a book, okay? There's nothing else to it!" I said, almost shouting. I jumped up from my seat, which was bad_   
_move. Soda gaze went towards my knee, as his eyes grew wide._

_"Pony! What happened?" Soda asked, getting up from his seat._

_"Huh? It's nothing Soda! I fell."_

_"It doesn't look like you fell, plus I would have heard you fall," Soda said. Oh no. . . That's true. From the garage, you_   
_could hear mostly anything. Soda tried to get a hold of my knee to get a better look at the cut ._

_"I told you it's nothing!" I shouted. Soda looked stunned from my outburst. "Soda just drop it, okay? I'm getting tired_   
_of you," I said, while turning around and leaving the room. I knew from that point on, Soda had started to suspect_   
_something._

After awhile of silence, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't sure what had gotten into me. It's like every time I'm alone,   
I think to much. My feelings start to overcome me that next thing you know…I'm an addict. I'm addicted to cutting   
myself. How could this have happened? I don't know, but I knew it was wrong. I just have to do it or the feeling of   
guilt will overcome me and I'll become depressed. I hate becoming depressed more then feeling guilty. It's hard to   
believe this but I'm actually becoming suicidal. What happened to Ponyboy? The one everyone use to understand and be there for him? Well he's gone now. . . 

I stood up from my bed then went out the door. I've done this before so what's the difference? It's not like I'm going to commit suicide or something? I hope not though. I think it's better to cut yourself then to commit suicide, even though it's leading down that road. 

I opened the door to the bathroom, then turned around to see if anyone was watching. It's kind of stupid to be looking for someone in the house, but you never might know. . . Closing the door behind me. I took my switchblade from my Jean pocket. This has to be done. 

I lifted my pants a bit so I could do something to my leg. Looking at my leg, there were so many markings. . . purple   
bruises and some cuts weren't even healed yet. I flipped the switchblade open and started to move it toward my leg. I   
was about to cut myself but then, I heard someone enter the house. 

"Ponyboy! I'm here! Soda asked me to baby-sit you!" I heard Two-Bit shout, slamming the front door open. He   
surprised me so much that the blade slipped from my hand and went in my skin. I would have cried out, but I held my   
scream inside. My eyes started to swell up with tears from the pain. 

"Are you here Ponyboy?" Two-Bit asked, while I grabbed the switchblade from my skin. 

"I'm here Two-Bit!" I called out, still trying to hold back my scream. 

"Oh, okay then Pony! Do you want anything to eat?" Two-Bit called out. I looked at my leg as the cut began to bleed   
deeply. This was very bad, but good at the same time. The stress started to fade away but I never had a cut this deep   
before. 

"No thanks Two-Bit!" I shouted then grabbed a few tissues to cover my cut. 

"Alright then Pony," Two-Bit said. I heard him turn on the television from the bathroom. Once, I knew things were   
alright. I washed my hands and the switchblade then went out of the bathroom. Two-Bit was sitting on the couch   
watching Mickey Mouse as usual, when I came in the living room. 

"What time are Soda and Darry going to come back?" I asked. Two-Bit shuddered but stayed quiet for a moment, still   
watching Mickey Mouse cartoons. 

"Probably around eight or later, that's what Soda said, but I'm not to sure," Two-Bit answered. 

"Oh okay… I'm going to my room," I said 

"Okay, it's your choice kid," Two-Bit said without taking his eyes off the T.V. I went back to my room, as Two-Bit   
started laugh. I guess he must be having fun. . . it's really rare that I have fun. When I entered my room. I grabbed out   
a book from under my bed and started to read. After awhile, I started to drift off to sleep. . . 

~*~   
**A/N-** _There yeah go! Onto next chapter!_


	3. Nightmare

**_Author note-_**_ This chapter is going out to Lillia and Eh,Man (Kate)! Thanks for the encouragement, also everyone else!_ Whoa! thirteen reviews for one chapter??? I feel so special ^_^. _Now let's see, there's not much happening except that I wrote this new chapter and I hope you really do enjoy it. Here are the review responses below. Guess what??? It's my one year anniversary!_

Review

**kimmerkay-**_ Glad to hear from you again!!! Lol, you'll just have to find out about Ponyboy_

**Gemma-**_ updated! Enjoy!_

**Death Goddess Assassin-**_ Hope you enjoy this chapter alot!_

**Two-BitGortez-**_ Thanks for the review and I will!_

**Aslan-**_ Hmm. . . Is Ponyboy's brothers going to find out? Let's find out!_

**steves-girl-**_ updated!!_

**Lillia E- **_Lol, my story is wow! ::stares confused:: Is that a good thing? Haha. . . Yeah, I'm trying to fix those grammer and spelling errors, I'm hoping there gone now but I don't think so. Grr. . . I hate proofreading! But yeah, my story does make people re-think about cutters. Especially if one of your best friend use to be a cutter. He helped me alot on this fic since he use to do it. But you don't want a big lecture about cutters. Umm. . . I updated! Yippee! ^_^ And the saw. . . do you believe that one of my friends actually did that? I have no clue what the hell he was thinking. Anywho, hopefully this chapter won't be to strong._

**crazy4nc128- **_You love it??? Aww thanks! It's my kind of angst to!_

**Amber-**_ Okay, I fixed that mistake and a whole lot of others to!_

**Anna-**_ Updated!_

**Eh,man-**_ What do you mean forgotten??? I REMEMBER! The greatest writer from all the Outsider fics. Yeah, I'll sure remember you! Ooo. . .Hope you get that information fast! ^_~ I'll like to read it! Of course, I care! I wonder whatcha gonna write in the second fic. . . hmm, I guess I have to wait! Now you left me all suspenseful. . . Please update your story as soon as possible. I wanta read it! Okay, now about my fic. It's awsome??? THANKS!!!! Don't you think that the summary is kind of suspenseful? My friends thought so to! Oh, you bad girl! How could you like Pony being depressed? Okay okay, I'm the same way to. Yes, we go way back in the days. . . j/p. Yeah, the grammar and tenses. I fixed them all. I think? Hope you like this chapter as the last!_

**MissLkid- **_yup. . . cutters. ::shivers:: remember wut I told u? Keep it a secret!!! ::shhh::_

**Aster- **_It is a bit disturbing...I got you hooked??? Aww thanks!_

**Hopeless Romantic- **_Nice chatting with u! Oh...your drawn to it. ;-) no one ever said that about my fics!!!_ ^_^ 

**CuulCure-** _Yay! It's good!!! Yippee! Lol, well I updated! Yay me? Haha._

** flyergirl-07-** _Oh, don't worry. I won't since…uhh yea, I use to do the same thing here…until I got caught…eh! It's not my fault I had a lot of stress in the beginning. Well I hope you stop soon. I did! But shh…well here's more to the story!_  
~*~

_(The beginning of the chapter is gonna be boring…snozeville but I swear towards the end…oh, it'll getinteresting…hehe. Don't read ahead! I think I have a great ending to this chapter. Hopefully? Well enjoy!) ****_

**_Chapter Three: Nightmare? No, It's Real_**

I snapped my eyes open suddenly. I had that dream again, but I never knew what it meant. I wiped away the tears that I had in my eyes. This always happens. I can't remember my dream at all, but I knew it tormented me so many nights and days. I used to have flashbacks of the dream, but I could never understand. 

The few parts I could remember were blackness...an empty room filled with blackness and nowhere to get out. Then all of a sudden, I would have a vision that I could never describe. Like a continuous fire that would burn out…burning something or someone. Screams and shouts filled the air, but what did it all mean? I could never remember the rest, but I knew it was longer. I think that's mainly what has been bothering me for the last few months…Death and darkness, but then again... I've had these dreams for a long time; almost a year and they haven't gone away. Well someday, I will remember my whole dream, hopefully... 

I started to look around my room to see darkness. I looked to my counter at the other side of the room and looked at my clock. It blinked on and off, while reading 9:30. Whoa, I must have slept too long. I started to stretch my arms before getting out of bed and went toward the window at the side of the room. I looked up at the sky to see the moon shinning. I remember nights like these. I would get my bike and ride it with Soda and Darry when we were younger. That's never going to happen now that we've grown up from our childhood stage. I turned around and started to walk out of my room, toward the living room. 

Once I got there, I saw Two-Bit asleep while the T.V was on. I guess Darry and Soda weren't home yet. I hesitated and took a seat on the couch. There wasn't much to do, but I did feel in the mood to take a bike ride. I knew Darry would get mad if I did go out alone this late, since there were now rumors in Tulsa. Most of them were murders, robbers and gangs, hanging out in the alley waiting for someone innocent to come along and attack them. I didn't really care much since there will always be gangs, robbers and murderers. Especially if you're a murderer yourself. Now who should be the one looking after themselves? I made myself laugh a bit before making my final decision. 

I got up from my seat then went out the front door. I looked back to see if I woke Two-Bit, but he was sound asleep. I smirked a bit, then went to the side of the house. At the side of my house was my bike leaning on the wall. I hadn't used that thing for almost over a year but I didn't care if it was in bad condition. I grabbed it then started to ride down the side walk. 

I didn't know where I was going but I just needed to get out...somewhere...anywhere. I needed time to myself. It might sound strange, but I really did. I needed something to take my mind off reality, life, pain...everything. I couldn't help feeling as though my house was a jail place. Being held down and nothing to do…just watch life as it passes by. 

I started to peddle faster as I rode through the streets. I turned left, then right, then another left. I kept going without stopping anywhere. It was a bit strange that no one was out on the streets, and it was dead quiet outside. Well, I guess this is a quiet neighborhood. I closed my eyes as I felt the air rush. Freedom, no worries. I wish I could feel like this more often but, it could never happen. I snapped my eyes open again. 

Everything started to get darker by the minute but I didn't care. The lights were on from the poles at the side of the streets so I couldn't get lost. I looked up at the sign of the street as one of them read, _'Mission Hill Street.' _Then it clicked to me. Now I knew where I wanted to go. It wouldn't be far away if I rode more upwards Mission Hill Street. I knew at the edge of the street would be a hill and that's where I was heading to. 

I turned my bike and started to peddle upwards Mission Hill Street. As I rode, I noticed it was getting harder to peddle since the street was getting higher and more upwards to the hill. After awhile of peddling, I noticed a yellow sign at the end of the street. I squinted to see what it read: _'dead end.'_ I peddled faster until I stopped where the sign was. I dropped my bike and started to walk up the hill.

It was dark, but I could still see where I was going. After about ten minutes or so, I could tell I was close to the edge of the hill. I couldn't wait until I got there. The darkness of the hill started to get lighter once I was on the edge. The moonlight shown across so it wasn't dark anymore. I started to look downwards; this is what I wanted to see. Down the hill, you could see the city Tulsa as the lights shown bright from the city. I bet people who came up here have their breath taken away from the beauty of the sight. I always like to come up here when I feel stressed from a few things. 

I stood there for a moment, closing my eyes as the wind blew. Most of my thoughts were gone from the peace and calming of the hill. There were only the sounds of crickets chirping and other things rustling. Once my thoughts were cleared, I started to head down the hill. I couldn't help but smile as I ran downwards. This was freedom, no pain or worries. I wish I could go through this again sometime soon. 

I grabbed my bike and started to ride back home. Hopefully it wasn't too late or Darry might skin me. But then again, why would I even care? I guess I did deserve to be skinned, and I wouldn't even mind. The only thing I guess that scared me is when Darry yells. He doesn't mean to, but sometimes it just happens and it's not his fault. It's always my fault for making him mad or angry.

I took the same route to go back home. Most every house was dark already…So I'm guessing it must have been late. I mean, it only took about an hour to get up the hill and back home, so it can't be too late. I started to peddle faster as I went through more streets and allies. Then, I saw my house toward the edge of the street. 

Once I was at home. I threw my bike at the side of the house, not caring where it landed. I started to run towards the door. Now I really hoped that Darry wasn't home yet. I closed my eyes and slowly opened the door. Again, my hopes were shattered as I entered the house. Darry was already there…along with Steve, Sodapop and Two-bit. Uh oh, now I knew I would get yelled, even if it weren't late…

Darry stood not saying a word and glared at me, while Sodapop, Steve and Two-Bit sat by the couch. All of them were looking at me as though I killed someone…which is true. Darry was the first one to break the silence. Everything from there was a blur…

"Ponyboy, where were you?" Darry asked. I could tell he was trying to hide his anger. I tried thinking of a good explanation but couldn't. "WELL?"

"I uh…needed some time alone…" I said. 

"Why couldn't you do it here?" Steve asked, as he rose from his seat. I bit my tongue thinking of something to say. I looked to Sodapop, who was uncertain about what to do. 

"I don't know…" I replied. 

"I don't know!?" Darry shouted. "You don't know? How could you not know!? You didn't even leave a letter, Pony, that said where you were going! I said this once…Pony do you think or what?" I couldn't help it as anger started to rise. No one should ask what I do. I mean, this is my life. No one should control me. I tried to let it go, but Darry kept yelling at me and lecturing about responsibility.

"I swear Pony! Don't you know you could have been killed? Don't you know that it's getting dangerous in Tulsa already!"

"Your one of the dumbest people I know…" I heard Steve murmured. I kept my tongue held back, but I knew that soon I would burst. Steve said something that made me think…

"Ponyboy! Next time you do something so dumb, I'll personally deal with it! You cause more trouble then anyone I ever knew!" He shouted. Steve was so close to where I stood and I couldn't even hold back my anger. 

I suddenly punched Steve across the face without thinking. That's when anger took over me and I couldn't control my actions. Steve took a few steps back, clutching his face where I hit him. Everyone was standing now. Sodapop and Two-Bit had their mouths opened in shock. Darry looked at me, confused as well as Steve. I felt so angry that I grabbed the nearest thing to me, which was a lamp. 

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" I yelled. "I am myself and myself alone! I AM NOT YOU DARRY! DON'T EVEN TRY TO CONTROL ME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T!" I threw the lamp across the room. As it crashed to the wall, everyone stared at me with wide eyes, which was my chance to escape. I ran to my room and closed the door behind me. 

"Pony!" I heard Darry yelled. I locked the door so no one could get in.

"WHAT!?" I yelled louder then possible.

"Come back out here!" Darry yelled. 

"WHY!? SO YOU COULD LECTURE ME? I DON'T NEED THAT!" I yelled, "I KNOW WHAT I DID! THIS IS MY LIFE AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT! IT'S NOT YOURS!"

I heard a sigh, and then heard Sodapop's voice. "Ponyboy, don't be that way."

"Be what way Soda?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from rising. I heard a long silence.

"Pony…Deal with the consequence," Soda said.

"Do you think I really care?" I spat out. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I could hear them whisper but I didn't care. I slid my hands through my hair thinking of what to do next. I decided just to sleep the rest of the night…I mean tomorrow is another school day. Wow…what a great way to start to week.

I changed out of my clothes and went to bed. I laid there thinking of a few things as I drifted off to sleep. The last thing I thought was a quote, _"but home is nowhere…"_

~*~

**A/N-** _Yep…End of the chapter. What do you think? For me it's so lame…well that's the only thing I could think of right now. Oh, the quote I put up there was actually off the **AFI CD**. **WOHO! AFI ROCKS!** Lol, ahem…that's my opinion. Now I should start to write more! I was thinking of putting another character but nah. It's more of a Ponyboy story. Lol, please review!_


	4. Pain

**_A/N-_**_ Didn't expect me to update this chapter so fast…eh? The people that Idedicate this chapter is Hairibo, wow! Two reviews for the same chapter!? Both of you loved it!? THANKS!!!! Also dallyzgirl16 since she said I write like SE Hinton herself...whoa. Okay, everyone of your reviews made me soo happy! I really mean that. I never expected to get 10 reviews on the first day!? Wow! I feel so special (again). Well here's another fabulous or lame (which ever you want) chapter! And the review responses! (Here's a lil hint…uhh the more reviews I get lets just say I'll post the chapters faster like this one cause ALL OF YOU MADE ME SOOO HAPPY!) _

Reviews: 

**corrie:**_ It's good? Thanks! Yeah, I considered your review and decided not to add her. I mean this is all about Ponyboy. Right? Lol, thanks for the support! _

**kimmerkay:**_ Yeah, Ponyboy did reach to his breaking point with both! Yikes! Yup, Steve did deserve it. _

**Death Goddess Assassin:**_ It was only about a month? Lol, yea it's kinda long to update but look! I didn't take that long to get this chapter up! Here's...MORE! _

**Two-BitGortez:**_ Done, finished....updated!!!! _

**Hairibo:**_ Omigosh...THANKS FOR ADDING ME!!!! Your friend does? I know a few people (friends) who cut themselves and I use to do it myself so I know the feelings. Oh, I updated! Yay! Also, I was thinking, could I borrow your idea with the mental hospital? I wasn't thinking about that...but now it sounds like a great idea to add to the fic. If that's alright with you I mean? _

**dallyzgirl16-**_ SE Hinton herself!? Wow....I'm so shocked. I know my writing if kinda good...but not as good as her....whoa. Yeah, Ponyboy is one of my favorite character and I love to do his point of view on things. Wrote more!! _

**Aster:**_ A huge meltdown...Yeah I do feel bad for Darry and Sodapop. They both have to take it. Yeah, I prefernot to have a new character. It's just...yeah, just keep the rest of the characters that are left. _

**Lisa:**_ Omigosh! Thanks! I would dedicate this chapter to you but I can't... :-( already did it once. I'll try IMing you sometime. Yay! I updated too. Yeah, it is about time that someone stands up to Steve. _

**DaNNi BaBezZz:**_ Yup. Rebellious Ponyboy, he sure has changed... I know, he actually got the courage to stand up! _

**Hairibo 2:**_ Aww, yeah. I mostly leave my reviews signed...You really think I got Ponyboy's feeling put down? Well, thanks! Oh! You love it also!? YAY!!!!! Wow...a wonderful author? Oh, you seen it to much happen in your life? I never did but I kinda of read books and had a few friends whom well...gone insane themselves. So...when you said it was to hard to read like intense or like bad grammar and spelling…Can't barely even read it? Thanks so much for your time to review and read! Your review kinda made me think. _

**Lillia E:**_ Whoa…I'm well speechless. That's just really…whoa, I have to many friends who are going down that path. (Use to be one of them also) but yea…well here's the update and I'm so glad to hear that you like the third chapter. (Do you think I could use the idea what your friends use to use do with the heating up the knife?) _

**chloe99:**_ Yeah…hehe but I kinda changed them for the three last chapters and I hope this chapter won't have that many errors either. Oh, they'll find out (hint: next chapter). YOU LOVE IT!? THANKS! _

**Gemma:**_ Yeah…It is kinda sad. I don't do that with my bro and sis anymore which sucks. You think it's a great chapter!? Aww…I thought it was kinda lame…(snoozeville) Okay, well here's the new and updated chapter. _

**CuulCure:**_ Yeah, I know. Steve did deserve a punch and Soda should have told something to Steve…but o well? I guess I wanted to let Ponyboy handle it because to show everyone he could be a fighter. Yay! It's good? Oh, what's OC? _

**Brydyn:**_ Thanks! Lol, some people here are a lil bit cracky for the grammar and spelling errors…but eh! At least I updated. That's what counts? Hehe…_

**Catherine Ace:**_ Yeah, I'm trying to proofread my chapters more but at least my writing style is better then I had a year ago. Lol, and I do get the chapter up! Oh, and knock what off? Some of the feelings? Do I really get to deep in my writing? _

**Outiderslover-0408:**_ I wrote!More!_

~*~__

**_Chapter Four: Pain, School, Grades and Thoughts... _**

_(Beginning chapter…This is gonna make your stomach turn a bit…Just warning you! It's a lil bit gruesome if you ask me. LONG chapter ahead. Enjoy!) _

I woke up earlier then usual that morning. I first looked at my window to see it was still dark, then at my alarm clock to see it was five in the morning. School usually started around seven forty-five. At first, I didn't know what to do but, since I wasn't tired, I got out of bed. The feeling of guilt started to come to me. I started to feel guilty for yelling Sodapop and Darry, but not for Steve since he really did deserve that punch. Sodapop and Darry didn't need to take things like that just because I'm mad...I gave a long sigh before going to my drawers. I grabbed a blue-sleeved shirt, jeans, and my switchblade. For some reason, I can't help but just carry my switchblade with me. It's like my protection that I have. I would be dead if Darry ever found out that I carry one all of the time. I put that thought aside and started towards the door. 

I silently opened the door before going out of my room. I didn't want to make a sound to disturb Darry or Sodapop since, at the moment, I really didn't know what to tell them about my outburst. I tried not to make a sound while going towards the bathroom. I turned on the switch for the bathroom light. I looked at myself in the mirror to see myself with a deathly pale color. I wonder why? I guess because I felt guilty and kind of sick. I turned on the faucet, while putting water on my face. That felt a little bit better. 

I started to change and get ready for school. Once that was over, I grabbed my switchblade and started towards the kitchen. I had to do this again…I don't know why but I had to get the feeling of guilt out of me. I shouldn't hurt people, especially my own family. I hurt too many people…I needed to do it. If I hurt someone, then I have to hurt myself. I pulled my switchblade open and started to move it to my arm, but stopped. No, I can't do this. Using a switchblade doesn't cause much pain…I needed something else. Something that doesn't stain with blood but causes a lot of pain. 

I looked around the kitchen until my eyes landed on the stove. I knew this was going to hurt but…I needed it. I need to get hurt to make the feeling of guilt go away. I started to roll up my sleeve until they were at my elbows. Once that was done, I looked around to see if Darry or Sodapop were awake. There was no noise from the living room, so I knew they were both asleep in their rooms. 

I started to walk closer to the stove and brought my hand upon it. I looked over where the switch was. I bit my tongue once again…I started to get a bit scared since I never done this before. Once fear started to leave, I turned the stove on and let the fire burst out. The fire started to burn my hand as I bit my lip, trying to hide away my scream. I could feel it…The hot sensation going through my skin. My hand started to shake a bit, but I drew my other hand to grip it so it wouldn't leave the stove. Soon both hands started to get burned from the fire. I could feel my eyes start to swell up, but I didn't let it get in the way. The pain started to build up but I asked for this. 

At one point…I couldn't take it anymore even though I fought hard. I couldn't stand the sensation of the fire, so both of my hands left the stove. I looked down at my hands to see both of them were bright red…burnt from the fire. I blew on them so they could get a bit cooler. I felt my guilt start leaving me. My hands were a bit shaky as I turned off the stove. They couldn't stop shaking…I still felt the heat from the fire on my hands, but I didn't care. I quickly went over to my room, grabbed my gloves from the counter and put them over my hands. People wouldn't suspect anything if I covered up my hands with gloves. It's not like they really cared, but just to be safe. 

I went to the living room and grabbed my book bag. I guess I should start walking to school. I looked at the clock to see that it read five fifty-five. I'm not going to ask Darry or Sodapop for a ride since I knew they were both mad at me. Anyway, school is about an hour away from where I live if you walk. I would have plenty of time to get there. I looked out the window, guessing it was cold today, in the morning, so I grabbed my jacket off the sofa and went to get my shoes. 

Once I knew I was ready, I went out the door quietly. I should of left Darry a letter like he told me too…But I knew he'd already know I would have left to school. I do it all the time…Well, used to back when I was fourteen. He doesn't let me out much since everything is changing in Tulsa, but who is to say what I can and can't do? I started towards the street that led to my school. I closed my eyes for awhile, the pain started to come again from my hands. I knew that I would feel pain from my hand the whole day, but I needed this, I kept telling myself repeatedly. 

Then, the cold breeze started to come and before I knew it…The clouds in the sky started to get darker. I knew they were a bit dark before, but not until now. It started drizzling as the breeze became colder when I walked. Now I knew I picked the wrong day to walk by myself to school, especially when it was about to rain. I hesitated awhile, until I started to run to school. I held my jacket on tighter as I fought the cold breeze. The rain started to pour down now, but I kept running. I could tell that I was going to be sick later on. Puddle after puddle, raindrop after raindrop. It was harder to see now, but I still could make out where I was going. 

After awhile, I saw my school. I started to run faster and felt my legs hurt after awhile. I guess because I ran most of the way to school. I didn't even have time to catch my breath. I leaned against the entrance of the hallway once I was inside the school. I coughed a bit, but regained my energy. I went to sit down the nearest bench and looked at the clock by the hall, to see it was only six forty-five. Well, at least I wouldn't be late. I closed my eyes…I didn't feel so good now. I would start to shiver and cough. The pain from my hands started to return. I tried to shake the feeling off, but it didn't work…Nothing much to do, so I let them be. 

More students started to arrive as time went by. Some of the people from the track team waved at me or shouted out my name. I would just ignore them, didn't feel in the mood to talk to anyone right now. When it was about time to get to class, I started towards the halls to my homeroom class. 

When I entered the classroom, there were only a few people there. I started towards the back of the room, where I usually sat. The class started to fill up after awhile and became louder every second. It seemed that everything started to give me a headache. Today wasn't going to be a good day. I knew it once the bell rang. The class started to hush up a bit, to my relief. My homeroom teacher, Miss Be, started to call out our names. I didn't pay much attention as I put my head on my desk. "Ponyboy Curtis…" I heard my name called. 

"Here!" I replied, while closing my eyes until someone started to talk to me. 

"Hey Curtis," someone said. I opened my eyes to see the boy infront of me was looking at me. He was some boy named Jason, a sophomore jock wannabe. A Latino boy with dark skin, brown eyes, and black hair. 

"What?" I asked, raising my head up a bit. 

"I heard that you're antisocial around here," Jason said. That word hit me a bit…Am I antisocial? 

"Is that so?" I asked. 

"Yeah, that's what everyone is saying now…I mean you never talk and never really do much around here…Is there something wrong with you man?" He said. That's when everything started to grip…I'm actually antisocial…It never occurred to me. He kept continuing to talk, saying that people were calling me a low life…I didn't want to hear anymore, but he kept continuing. Saying rumors that I cut myself and that I'm suicidal…How people are scared to talk to me. How did they find out? How? Everything from there seemed a blur, but the bell rang, which I was glad. I grabbed my book bag and walked out of the room. 

The thought kept running through my head. When did I become antisocial? I kept thinking, but no answer came. Did I actually shut the world away from me? No…I don't think so. I started to get a headache again. I had to get out of here. I had too. I looked for somewhere to go, but I couldn't find anything. I felt dizzy now. The halls were crowded and noisy. I'm drowning in my thoughts… I couldn't think straight anymore. I walked down the halls of the school, getting dizzier by the minute, until I found my first period class: Geometry. I quickly went to the room, found my seat, and dropped my book bag next to me. My teacher, Mr. 

Browne was already in the class. Shit…I didn't feel good. I felt my body in pain now, though I didn't know why. What was happening to me? Before I knew it, the bell started to ring. Wait…why did it ring so fast. I looked around to see that mostly everyone was in their seat. Something is wrong here…But what? Am I sick? How could time go by so fast? I didn't even notice people enter the room. 

Mr. Browne started to talk and taught the lesson in Geometry. I opened my book bag to get my Geometry book, but I found that it wasn't there…Ah shit…I forgot to go to my locker. What am I going to do now? I was about to raise my hand to say something but the announcer went on. 

"Could Mr. Curtis please go to the counseling office. May I repeat that, Sophomore Ponyboy Curtis please go to the counseling office." Wow, what a great time to get into trouble! Mr. Browne stared at me, then dismissed me from class. I realized that people started to whisper or stare as I walked past them. I didn't care much. Why should I? Once I was out of the class, I could still feel that people had their eyes on me. How strange! If I'm antisocial then why would people care about my whereabouts? If I am in trouble, they shouldn't care. Right? 

When I walked down the halls, they seemed a lot more bigger then usual. Hmm, I wonder why? I shoved that thought out of my mind as I kept walking, making twist and turns going to the counseling office, but all of a sudden, I stopped in my tracks. Oh no…What if the school found out what I've been doing? I started to get scared now. I tried to move my feet but it seemed as though they had become icy. I couldn't move from where I stood. Without any hesitation, I opened the door to the counseling office. This is it… 

I looked around the office to see a lady around her mid-twenties looking at me as I entered the room. 

"Are you Ponyboy Curtis?" She asked. 

"Yes," I replied. 

"Please follow me," She said, while getting up from her desk and leading me into the next room. "Mrs. Morgan will be right with you." Then she pointed at a chair to sit on. I hesitated, then went to sit on the chair and waited for the counselor called Mrs. Morgan. The secretary lady left the room without saying a word. 

My headache started to come back again. I closed my eyes hopping it would stop but it didn't. My head felt as though it were going to explode any moment now. I started to feel woozy and dizzy again…No! I didn't want to have a headache. I looked around the room; oh I wish I weren't alone now. The memories were coming back now… 

_Dally standing there with his gun raised as the police officers fired. Him falling to the ground. I could see everything now as though it happened again. Steve falling to the floor with a sob as Sodapop held him by the shoulder. No…Not now. I could see that smile on Dally's face. NO! Why??? Why him and Johnny? Why couldn't it have been me? I deserved it. I was the one who started it. No…Those feelings started to flood back. Why? Oh God, this is why I never wanted to be alone whenever I'm sick. I would have hallunications from the past, and I couldn't stop them. _

"Ponyboy?" I heard someone say. I jerked my head and looked at a woman around her mid-thirties standing in front of me. She was a bit chubby, short, and wearing glasses. I've seen her around school before, but never paid much attention. 

"Huh?" I said, a little bit drowsy. 

"Are you okay?" She asked, looking uncertain. 

"Why?" 

"Your crying…" Huh? What? I'm crying? I touched my cheek and felt the wetness from the tears. Oh, I am crying. I started to wipe them away before she said anything else. 

"Oh, it's nothing," I replied, shaking my head as though nothing had happened. 

"Okay, but could you follow me to my office Ponyboy?" She asked. I nodded my head as she led me to a door at the side of the room and pulled it open. Inside it revealed a hallway filled with other doors. I followed Mrs. Morgan through the hall until she stopped at a door that read: "Mrs. Morgan." She pulled it opened and revealed an office. Mrs. Mogan walked in through the room and sat by her desk. The room was like any ordinary office, a bunch of papers on the desk and two chairs infront of the room against the wall. She hand gestured me to sit, which I did. 

"So Ponyboy…How are you?" She asked. 

"Fine, and you?" I said. 

"Fine myself…But it seems as though your grades aren't doing so well this semester." She said. 

"Huh?" 

"Well, your doing well Ponyboy…but I've seen how your grades are, use to be a straight A student but now…it seems like your not," Mrs. Morgan said. What does she mean by that? I was getting fair grades…Not perfect but good. She rummaged through a few papers on her desk then grabbed something. 

"Could you tell me?" I asked. 

"Well for one, your have a B in Geometry, three Cs and two A's," Mrs. Morgan said, reading the paper that she held. 

"Oh, okay? My grades aren't that bad…" I said. 

"Yes I know but that's not all…I've seen you around campus and it seems as though your not…well yourself anymore…your not like people…not social enough," Mrs. Morgan said, looking at me. 

"So? I don't see what the problem here," I said calmly. I knew what she was heading toward, but I wasn't going to give in. I wasn't going to say that I'm antisocial. She wanted me to admit it…Like everyone else. Why can't people let me be myself? I feel as though I'm being watched every second of my life. 

"I think you need therapy," Mrs. Morgan said…My mind went blank. Therapy? Therapy??? Why therapy? I'm not crazy…am I? No, I'm not. I kept telling myself that…I'm not crazy…I'm not! I'm not insane? No…I'm just misunderstood. That's all… 

"I don't think so Mrs. Morgan. I'm doing fine by myself," I said without giving any thought. 

"You think? Well I don't." 

"I don't see the problem? Don't you know I'm always like this?" 

"Yes…" 

"It hasn't been a problem, has it?" 

"No…" 

"Well then, why should I be in therapy?" 

"You don't seem happy…" 

"Oh, but I am." 

"Just a little bit of counseling would do you fine." 

"Are you trying to say I'm not normal?" I snapped. I couldn't take it. I am normal…I am. I have to be normal in order to live. 

"Of course you are…What makes you think I'm trying to head toward that way?" Mrs. Morgan said, looking a little bit taken back. 

"Let me deal with my grades and everything will be fine," I said getting up from my seat. 

"Please sit down Pony…" 

"Why should I? Are you going to give me a lecture too about society now?" I said. Mrs. Morgan seemed to shut herself up right there. "I see…I think that will do for now? Right? That's all you wanted to give me…a lecture? Well for your information, I don't need one. I get lectures about life almost every day." I turned around and opened the door toward the hallway. No one should tell me what to do…I said this once…It's my life. I do what I please. 

"I'm calling your guardian Ponyboy…I'm worried about you," I heard Mrs. Morgan call from behind. 

"Do what you want…if it concerns you then do it," I said, closing the door behind me. That's it…I can't deal with life itself now. It seems that everyone has it in for me. School, friends…society, even my own family! I felt anger started to tense up…I hate life now. Why is life so cruel? Why does it have to take everything away you have? Friends…everything! Nothing could live in this world…nothing. Everything will fall nor matter what. It's like that one song goes, "Love your hate, your now faith lost." That kind of reminded me of myself a bit. 

I kept walking through the hallway. That's when I felt my stomach start to turn a bit. Oh god, now I felt as though I'm going to be sick. I leaned on the wall, hoping the pain in my stomach would go away, but it didn't. I kept taking deep breaths as my vision started to become blurry. Oh God…not now. Please not now… That's when I ran out of the hallway and out of the counseling office. I needed to find the health office fast. 

I looked around the halls of my school…Where am I? I turned, trying to find a way out of this place. I started to run through the halls hoping to see something familiar but didn't. Oh no…I'm lost? How can I? I kept running until I found the exit sign. I knew it was the only way out of my school, so I took it. I ran outside without thinking what to do next. I found myself running out of the school campus. I didn't know why? What was happening to me? I couldn't think straight as everything started to get blurry. But then again, I knew where I was going. Home…That's the only place I could go right now. It was still raining but I didn't care. I needed to go back home…I'm ditching school but it was for a good cause, I kept telling myself repeatedly. 

Running faster, taking deep breaths…I knew I was about to faint soon. I kept coughing, but it didn't stop me. Pain started to return to my hands and everywhere else around my body. I started to feel drowsier by the minute. I knew I was going to pass out, but I didn't care. Hopefully, I would get to home before I did. I closed my eyes and kept running. This pain just wouldn't leave me. Why me? I could feel my stomach turning, but I closed my eyes. Please let it go away…I don't want to be sick. I just hate getting sick… 

Nothing became better, everything became worse. Every step I took became heavier. Every breath I took, thoughts started to come. My headache started to return once again but worst then before. I'm drowning…I'm drowning in my sorrow. The sky seemed to get darker as the wind blew harder. How could it be so dark if it was only the afternoon? I opened my eyes then saw my house at the edge of the street. I started to run faster than possible. I was so close, but yet so far. 

Once I made it to the house, I kicked off my shoes and threw my jacket, slamming the door behind me. My stomachache became worse and the pain of everything seemed to be everywhere. Blackness started to overcome me and the next thing I knew, I had collapsed on the floor without realizing anything.

~*~ 

**A/N-** _WHOA!!! By farthest chapter that I've ever done in my…well whole entire year for writing. So how was it? Good? Lame? Bad? Review please! Can you believe that it took me this short to write this chapter!? Wow, I never been soo…well supported to write this chapter. Everyone of your reviews made me happy! So I gave you all a BIG chapter! Hehe. I hoped you all enjoyed yourselves. I did enjoy writing this chapter…So many feelings! _

**_Important AN-_**_Okay, want to make things clear. When Ponyboy wants pain that's physical and when he doesn't, that's emotional. Clear? The quote again is by AFI!!! YAY! The idea I got from the stove was from a book called A Child called It. Many of you might have heard of it._

_Guess what!? Surprise, surprise. Here's what all of you guys been waiting for (sneak peek!) _

**_Chapter Five: Secret Reveled _**

"Pony! Please put it down!" Soda cried out. 

"No! I'm through with this, I brought misery to everyone's life, I killed Johnny and Dally, mom and dad died because of me! Can't you just understand that I just want to die!" I shouted back, pulling the blade closer to my throat. "Where's superman to save us now?" 

"Please Pony…we care about you!" Sodapop cried out even louder then before. No I wasn't going to give in. 

"NO! Life has it calls Soda! You should know…Everyone should know…can't you understand that life would be better without me!" I shouted. I could feel my eyes started to swell up with tears. "It's to late Sodapop…What has to be done has to be…well done." 

"No…Ponyboy! Please just listen to what I'm saying." 

"I AM! All I'm hearing is that you want me to die…" 

"No I'm not saying that…" 

"Yes you are! And I'm taking your advice…" _(eek! What's going to happen!? My goal before this story end is to have at least 100 reviews. Not much…is it? Also for all of you people to get a feelings that Ponyboy has in the story and understand him. Do you all think I'm doing a good job at it? Hopefully!)_


	5. Revealed

**A/N: **_Wow! I'm sooo SHOCKED! 16 reviews in one day!? Whoa...I'm soo happy! You guys are the best! _^.^ _Okay it was a tough descision but i decided to dedicate this chapter too...**Death Goddess Assassin.** Giving me a challenge eh? Well I conquered your challenge! BOYA! Who's the bomb??? Haha, j/k. Well, here are the review responses and chapter you've all been waiting for! Whoop whoop! I'm half way to my goal! Hey new people!_

(Do you guys think I should change the rating of the story from PG-13 to R?)   
Reviews:

**MissLKid:**

**Aster:** _Omigosh…it was intense you say!? Hehe. One of the best chapters in any fic? Lets see if this chapter will take the lead?_

**Death Goddess Assassin:** _Yes! I am an evil hag, MWAHAHA! Ahem …People never know which story I'll update next! Hehe, but yea…Aww! How cute!!! How did u know that Ponyboy was my fave character!? ^_._^ Now don't you dare take it away. It's mine! ::hugs lil Ponyboy stuffed toy:: Yes! I conquered the challenge! It took my only a few day to get this chapter up! Oh, I want SODAPOP! Steve is too evil...and mean. Hehe_

**The Crazy Greasers: **_The question here…is Ponyboy actually going to commit suicide!? Dun dun dun…ooo lets find out!_

**Lisa:** _Yay! Another awesome chapter!? YIPPEE. Updated!_

**CuulCure: **_Hehe, that's true with the fire...I never thought of that but good point! Yeah, see I told you and everyone else it's gonna be gruesome about the stove... I'm so sorry if it was a littly bit to extreme _-.- _That's the way my mind works into writing. Okay, now I know what OC is...I was thinking of the show. So basically I was thinking...eh? How could O.C be in Outsiders? Lol. Here's the new updated chapter!_

**Catherine Ace: **_Er...okay! Could you please read the four chapters and like make changes? I'm getting really tired of going bac and forth, changing everything! It's like, I think everything is done but no...I go bac and see that there's still some errors! It gets me soo pissed off. Want me to email you the chapters? Oh, nice suggestion with the AN. Thanks! Yay! Another good chapter! ^_._^_

**Bandit-Gurl42: **_Yeah...you gotta feel bad for Ponyboy. I know! People who are antisocial do NOT need therepy. My friend Steven had to go through that just because he's antisocial. Do you believe that? Grr...but yea, here's the chapter! Bad Mrs. Morgan, bad!_

**Julie: **_Done! Here's the new chapter._

**steves-girl: **_Let's see if this chapter is greater!_

**Hairibo: Keira: **_I know! How evil could I get??? Oh, he's sick because he kind of has a fever since he did run in the rain for about an hour. I would get sick too! Oh, thanks for letting me use the Mental Hospital!!_

**Maddy: **_Wrote!_

**The Dark Flame: **_Isn't the suspence just driving you mad??? Lol. It is for me! (even though I'm writing...I can't help but feel suspensed!)_

**movielvr: **_Aww...I don't care if it's a short review but at least you took your time to read and review!_

**Hairibo -- the other half: **_Oh, memories and feelings? Like in the book or in your life? Lol, kinda confused about that. Oh, so like the story is intense? Yeah...haha I was thinking of something else about computers...i'm such a dumbass. Haha. Grr, I tried proofreading but those errors won't just go away!! It's like I'll proofread it three times and they'll still be there. Pissing me off! Lol, Oh...did I leave you hanging for long now? It wasn't to long though? Right?_

**Gemma: **_Hmm...I don't know? Let's find out if Darry or Sodapop comes first. Oh yeah, thanks for catching the computer thing! I kind of err...didn't see that. I was detailed into thinking about my school's counseling office that I didn't realize the 1960's part! haha._

**corrie: **_Yeah...that was some intense stuff. It's like when I write...I'm actually there! Lol. Yay! I wrote more and that is true. I can't just leave Ponyboy just lying there on the ground. Something might happen! Well here's the newly updated chapter._

**kimmerkay: **_Hopefully that wasn't too long? Here's the updated chapter! ^_._^_

**Mamour: **_Thanks for realizing that! Now I have to erase that paragragh. ::growls:: Man those mistakes just won't go away! Haha, I haven't read the book for about a year now soo...I don't think I would remember that part. Oh! Yay! You luv it too??? Thanks!_

**Two-BitGortez: **_Am I still keeping up the good work?_

**DaNNi BaBezZz: **_Err. That might be a good idea for Darry and Sodapop to be at the house but it might be a little bit different. Lets just say their coming back a bit too early then usual. Yeah, Pony does have different sides and he showed that counselor lady who's boss! Lol._

**chloe99: **Aww thanks! 

** Lizzy:** _One of the best!? THANKS!_

**Outsider1234:**_ I do? Lets see if it still continues?_

**FlamezBlaze1:** _I wrote! YAY!_

**shyXshortieXbabe:** _Aww...he ain't dead. Sorry if I left it there! *tear* hehe. Well here's the next updated chapter._   
~*~ 

**_Chapter Five: Secrets Revealed_**   
(Can't proofread chapter right now, sorry for any bad grammar or spelling!) 

When I started to drift back to consciousness, everything seemed like a blur. I found myself looking at the ceiling, which was   
strange. Wait, what happened? I started to sit up from where I lay, then noticed I was at home. How did I get here? I closed my eyes, trying to focus, but my head was pounding so badly. Then the memory started to come back and everything seemed so clear. 

I was running through the rain, darkness, pain. Everything was so intense. It seemed as though I were drowning with my sorrow. Then I realized something. Oh no, I ditched school. That's when I started to get really scared. Everything became clearer. I'm going to get in trouble. What did I do? I started to get off the floor and went to sit on the couch. 

How am I going tot explain this to Darry? He's going to be madder than I've ever seen him before. Wait, what if the school didn't know I ditched? They would most likely, but you never know? I kept trying to think of an excuse if Darry did find out. When I leaned against the couch, something grabbed my attention. A blinking red light. I started to raise my head and looked where it was coming from. 

The answering machine, everything seemed to make my body freeze. I looked over and saw two messages on the machine. Biting my lip, slowly I pressed the machine to start. The first message started to play: 

_"Hello, Darrel Curtis? This is Alemany High School calling. We just wanted to inform you that Ponyboy was not in school towards the end of the day. If you have any notice of his well being, then please contact us."_

I could feel my stomach drop. Oh God…They found out!? Then the next message started to play. 

_"Ponyboy, this is Darry. I know that your at home since where else would you go? Well I just wanted to tell you that I_   
_did get the message and I'll talk with you about that later."_

My mind went blank…He got the message!? Oh no, I'm in deep trouble. How did Darry know I was here? At home? Am I that predictable? I fell on the couch, while gripping the edge. How did I end up in this mess? I have to escape this soon. Closing my eye, I thought of what to do. Should I just go back to school? Explain to them what happened? No. They'll probably suspend me and that could be the worst thing that would happen. Darry was already mad at me. I can't take this anymore. I have to go somewhere to think. 

I looked out the window to see it was still raining. Err, I knew this was a bad idea. For some reason I kept on shivering, dang... It's really cold today. I went to my room and grabbed my jacket that was laying on my bed. I started to put it on and left the room. Why should I even care if I do get sick? I mean....I'm already sick. So it wouldn't do much harm. Hopefully. 

I knew my stomach was a bit upset since it wouldn't stop bothering me. Like it would always grumble once in awhlie. I didn't pay any attention to it, since it would go away some time. Well, I pulled my hood up from my jacket and started towards the entrance of the house. I opened the door as the cold wind started to blow. I started to shiver again, but stepped out into the rain. I wanted to see someone that I haven't seen for a long time. I went out the door and closed it behind me. 

The rain started to pour down as though it were never going to end. I shuddered again and continued to walk through the rain. Closing my eyes, I kept thinking about life itself....why am I here? Why can't I be like everyone else? God...I wish I was never born. Maybe if I weren't, then Mom and Dad would be alive, Johnny and Dally also. I caused everything...I didn't want to live. I hate life. Why was I created? 

I opened my eyes and looked up towards the sky. I didn't care if I got wet from my face. I clutched my fist and threw it up in the sky. I didn't know why, but for some reason I started to curse. 

**"What am I here FOR!? Why can't I just go! I don't want life! You gave it to me and I never asked for it! I never called upon it! I never wanted to live! Why do I have to see people suffer because of me!?" I shouted towards the sky. "I don't care if I go to hell! I don't care if I go to heavan! I don't care if I go anywhere! Fuck life."**

Suddenly, I stopped. What am I doing? I blinked a couple of times as I felt tears start coming down from my eyes....I'm crying? For what? Misery? I brought my hand down and looked at it. I can't take it....I need to see them. I started to run in the rain again. My legs started to feel like jello but I kept ignoring it. For some reason, I was ignoring everything. The pain in my hands, stomach, head and I didn't care the pain I was through right now...These were my last hours and I should enjoy them now. 

I kept looking back and forth when I ran. For some reason, I felt as though something was following me. I could feel coldness, but where is it coming from? Closing my eyes, I tried to ignore everything around my surroundings. I kept opening and closing my eyes. Life seemed to flash before my eyes. I tried to close out the memories...I don't want to see them. I've made my decision and I don't want to change it. The rain started to pour even faster and harder. Damn...Why is it raining so hard today? It never usually rains this hard...? 

I kept running faster through the rain. If I do die, then I would be free all the time. No fear, no pain or misery. Everyone would be happy. No one would care about me. I hope that they could all forget that I ever lived. I want everyone to erase me from their memories. Squinting through the rain, I saw the graveyard. This is the place I wanted to go. 

I jumped over the fence and landed on the ground. I looked around trying to remember where they were. Closing my eyes, I thought for a bit. I started to remeber where they were all buried. I opened my eyes and started to run towards the back of the graveyard. Jumping over a few tomb stones. This started to feel like a horror movie. No one was in the graveyard but me. I wouldn't really expect people to be here at this time. It took me awhile, but I found what I was looking for. 

I stood right infront of there tombs. Mom, Dad, Dally and Johnny. I fell on my knees and started to cry. I wanted them all to be back and I wish I were gone. 

"Mom...Dad. I'm sorry! I'm soo sorry! I'm sorry that I caused you everything. Your life...I'm sorry....I know you must be upset with me since I caused bad stuff to happen. Even your life and future." I said, whimpering. "Dally, Johnny. I hope you guys forgive me for doing everything. Making stupid descision...The wrong choice. I know you'll never forgive me, but I don't care...." 

I got off the ground and wiped away my tears. Why am I such a crybaby? I usually never cried, but now I did. I felt guilt start to build up. I guess it's time now...I turned around and started to leave from the graveyard. This time, I took my time to get back home. I felt emptiness. Only feelings started to grow up inside...anger, guilt, sorrow and strangly happiness...I guess I'm happy for leaving this place once and for all. No turning back now... 

There was a song that kind of reminded me of the situation that I was going through. Maybe if I write it down then they'll play it at my funeral. I still remember every word that the song had. Then I started to recite it. 

_"Life seems to fade away, drifting farther everyday. Getting lost within myself, nothing matter to no one else. I have lost the will to live. Simply nothing more to give. There is nothing more for me...in the end set me free."_

_"Things aren't what they use to be. Missing one inside of me. Deathly lost this can't be real. Can't stand the face of fear. Emptiness is pilling me to the point to the point of lieing. Growing darkness take me dark....That was me and now everything is gone..."_

That song started to get stuck in my head and the next thing I knew, I was already close to the house. It didn't take that long to get back home...Well, the cemetary was only a few blocks away so it wasn't too long. I hesitated before walking into the house. I dropped my jacket on the floor. How am I going to do this now? I looked around the house hoping to find something, then in a flash, I knew that I wanted: to use my switchblade. It's always been there for me and now it'll come in handy. 

I went to my room and grabbed it out from my drawer. I flipped it open and went to the living room. It's going to hurt...I started to get scared, but I knew it'll soon be over. I went over the to living room and stood there looking at the blade for what seemed about five minutes. Well this is it... 

I started to move the blade closer to my throat. No pain or worries...It'll soon be over. Then suddenly, the front door flew open. Oh, great... 

"Ponyboy! What are you doing!?" Sodapop yelled, as he barged in the house. His eyes were opened as he started to come closer towards where I was. 

"Soda! Don't come any closer!" I yelled back. Sodapop stopped right in his tracks and looked at me, bewildered. Why was he back so early? 

"Huh? Ponyboy! Do you know what your doing!?" Soda cried out. 

"Yes I know what I'm going," I said calmly. 

"Pony...What...Why? What's happening!?" Soda shouted, obviously shocked. 

"I'm going Soda..." 

"WHAT!?" 

"I'm through with life..." I said, pulling the blade closer to my throat. 

"Pony! Please put it down!" Soda cried out even louder. He didn't move at all since he was afraid. I couldn't help but get mad a bit when he told me to put my blade. He shouldn't tell me what to do... 

"No! I can't take it! I'm through with this. I brought misery to everyone's life, I killed Johnny and Dally, Mom and Dad died because of me! Can't you just understand that I just want to die!" I shouted back, pulling the blade closer, only a few inches from my throat "Where's Superman to save us now?" 

"Please Pony…We care about you!" Sodapop cried out even louder then before. No, I wasn't going to give in. 

"NO! Life has its calls Soda! You should know…Everyone should know…Can't you understand that life would be better without me!" I shouted. I could feel my eyes start to swell up with tears. "It's to late Sodapop…What has to be done has to be…well, done." 

"No…Ponyboy! Please just listen to what I'm saying." 

"I AM! All I'm hearing is that you want me to die…" 

"No I'm not saying that…" I didn't hear him since blackness started to overcome me, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground. I couldn't see anything but I was still concious. What's happening? 

"Pony!" I heard Sodapop's voice, I could tell he was near, but I couldn't see anything. Now, I'm starting to feel sick more then ever. My stomach was in pain. I couldn't think right and everything was just a blur. I felt Soda's hand on my shoulder. "It's okay Pony." 

"Soda what just happened?" I asked. Soon I started to get my vision back. Sodapop was kneeling next to me holding my shoulder. 

"I don't know...But I'm going to call the hospital," Soda said. I started to get scared...the hospital? No! 

"No Soda! Please don't call them... Everything will be alright," I said, while trying to sit up, but I found myself on the floor again. 

"I'm going to call Pony, I'll be right back," Soda said, lifting himself off the ground. He went towards the phone in the living room. No! There going to take me away. I knew if Soda is going to call then he'll say something about it. I tried to move myself off the ground, but I couldn't. Nothing wanted to function right. 

I heard Soda talking on the phone and heard my name a couple of times. He's telling them. Oh, why didn't I do it when I had the chance? Now they're going to put me somewhere that I didn't know. I couldn't help but cry again. Fear was coming back. I didn't hear much that Soda said since everything seemed to make no sense. 

"Pony they're coming soon," Soda said, while hanging up the phone. Everything fell silent as Soda went back to where I was. 

"Soda...What's wrong with me?" I asked, trying to hold back from crying but I couldn't stop. 

"Nothing's wrong with you," Soda said gently. There was silent once more. I hate things when they're silent. 

"Am I crazy?" 

"I don't know Pony...That's something you have to figure out by yourself," Soda replied. I nodded and closed my eyes.

~*~ 

**A/N:** _Lame chapter, I know. I'm losing my writing ability. Oh well, I better get off now. **Proofread **the chapter later. My sis is like screaming at me to get off!!! NO!!!! Lol. byez~ Oh! That song up there is by Metalica. Whoot whoot! Lol. Forgot the title but oh well. Can't give a sample to next chapter. My sis is like mad right now. BYE! Sorry if the chapters short too!_


	6. Pneumonia

**A/N-** _Miss me??? Lol. Okay well I think I'm going to dedicate this chapter too…_**Catherine Ace **_since she did proofread all my work soo…everyone lets give claps her for correcting the other few chapters!_ **Claps from audience and cheers** **_"Latinagal! Proofread your own stuff!"_ **_Hehe…eh… "I don't have time!!!" Okay, well going onto the chapter. Yay! I'm so happy! I got to my goal! 111!!!! OMIGOSH! Now next goal…150 for the next few chapters? Please??? Lol… Sorry if I didn't update earlier! I had trouble with this chapter a bit and hopefully everything will work out. There was one story that gave me inspiration to write called Helpless since it has to deal with the hospital and now I have a picture how the hospital is like to continue the story. So here goes ::sighs::_

**_Chapter Six: Pneumonia _**

****

Pain…darkness…where am I? Screams everywhere, voices. I turned right to see a passage then turned left. Voices were coming from nowhere. I could hear a whisper saying, 'you murderer.' Where were the voices coming from? I kept walking through the passage and noticed that the side of the hallways had open doors. All of them were closed…I put my ear against the door and heard screaming. Never ending screaming…Is this hell?

I started to come back to conscious but my mind wasn't clear, then pain started to hit. Everything around me ached with pain. I felt to weak to think, to speak or to do anything. What was happening? I've gotten sick before but not this sick. Then I started to hear whispers around me but I didn't open my eye lids from drowsiness.

"Is the kid alright?" I heard someone say.

"Yeah but he has pneumonia…"

Pneumonia? How did I ever get that? Okay, so I did run in the rain but still. Wouldn't I just get a fever like mostly every other person did? I guess not. One thing that scared me the most is there are cases that people get pneumonia and don't survive. I hope I'll get through this…but then again. If I did die from pneumonia then it would be good since I wouldn't really have to feel pain…well maybe once in awhile.

"How did he get pneumonia?"

"Two-Bit, do we look like doctors to you?"

"No…"

At that moment, my eyes snapped opened as I started to cough. Sitting up from where I laid, covering my mouth. I kept coughing for a while until it finally went away. I looked around the room to notice Two-Bit, Steve, Darry and Sodapop were staring at me. Oh great now they know I'm awake…well, sooner or later they would have to know. I smiled a bit then laid back and closed my eyes. My head started to pound as I tried ignoring it.

"Are you okay Pony?" I heard Sodapop said.

"Yeah…I am," I barely whispered.

"Want me to get some water?"

"Sure…" I said as Sodapop went out of the room. Everything was quiet, which was good for me since I didn't want to speak. I stared at the ceiling blankly.

How was Darry taking this? Did he know that I cut myself? Two-Bit and Steve also…what were they thinking? Do they think I'm like insane now? Probably but why would I care? I do my own will; they have to accept that eventually. If I want to die early then fine, let it be! Why would they care? Isn't the world over populated enough? I sighed, no one will ever know how I feel about my life.

Sodapop interrupted my thought as he came in the room. "Here Pony," he held out a glass of water for me to take.

"Thanks," I said, sitting up and grabbed the glass. Soda went back to where Darry, Steve and Two-Bit stood by the wall. No one knew what to say to me by the looks on their faces. Maybe it was a surprise to them all of what I use to do in my spare time when they weren't around.

"Pony, why do you do those things to yourself?" Darry finally asked as I drank the water.

"Simple, I have to get punished," I said, putting the glass down by the table next to me.

"Punished for what?" Soda asked.

"For killing Johnny and Dally, of course!" I said.

"But you didn't kill them…"

"Yes I did…you know it! You can't deny that I killed them."

"No…you didn't Pony."

"Don't argue with me Soda! You must know that I'm a murderer! I killed Johnny and Dally, no one could ever change that! Mom and dad left because of me!"

"Pony don't say that..."

"It's all true! No one could deny the truth when it's written across, I killed them."

"Still, do you want to harm yourself because of them?"

"Yes, I was never taken to prison. The only way to punish myself is to cut-myself or commit suicide," I smirked. Darry and Soda looked at me in shock, while Two-Bit turned deathly white and Steve stood there as though nothing was happening.

"Pony, you never did anything to harm anyone. It wasn't your fault! Don't try and leave us. We love you to much for that to happen and we would never forgive ourselves," Soda said sadly. I could see tear starting to form in his eyes, as he took a deep breath from stress.

"Soda, there's a old saying, better die young then old."

"Who told you that!?"

"A friend of mine."

"Well, your friend of yours is wrong Pony," Darry broke in. "Everyone should live a healthy and normal life, no one should play with life as though it were a toy, life is something that only comes once and better live it long."

"But I don't want life! I hate myself for being here!" I shouted, tears stinging my eyes.

"Pony! Don't you know there you here for a reason?"

"Yes! To bring people pain and misery."

"No, you're not. Don't say you ever are."

"Am I really though?"

"That's it! I'm fucking getting tired of this!" Steve shouted. "If the kid wants to die then fine! Die and burn in hell for I fucking care. Why should we stand and take this! Life would be better without him! I admit, if it weren't for him, Johnny and Dally would be here! We all know that and nothing could change it. Let him do his own will!"

I stared at Steve stunned, so did everyone else, especially Soda, "you don't mean that do you?"

"Yes Soda! He's always been a burden!"

"You don't know what he means to us Steve! You never had a younger brother!" Soda shouted back at him.

"It makes me glad for not having a younger sibling that's like him! Always trailing behind as though he's the baby or something! Grow up!" Steve shouted back. Soda turned his back on Steve trying to control his anger but without warning, he turned around and punched Steve in the face, knocking him toward the floor.

"Never say that! You have no clue what he means to us!" Soda yelled louder then before. "Get out before I have to throw you out myself."

Steve stood off the floor, looking at Soda stunned, "I didn't mean too…"

"Get out!" Soda yelled. Steve hesitated then walked out the room without another word.      

"Pony, don't listen to him," Darry said, turning his attention back to me.

"He admitted it though!" I said.

"He doesn't mean that though," Soda said, looking out the door.

"Soda, he even said so himself!"

"Just don't listen…Pony, we love you to much for that to ever happen," Darry said. Before I could reply, someone interrupted,. I turned my attention on a doctor, knocking by the door. She had black hair held in a bun, a white suit, held a clipboard in her hands.

"Pony Curtis, my name is Dr. Evans, may I come in?"

"Sure." She settled herself by a chair close to the entrance of the room.

"I've heard we've been having problems, what was that yelling?"

"Someone was causing a bit of trouble," Soda replied.

"Okay but getting back to subject, Pony do you know why you're here?"

"Because I'm sick…"

"That also but what other reason?"

"That I cut myself?"

"Exactly, why do you do that? Why would you ever want to harm yourself?" Dr. Evans said, laying her clip board on her lap then folded her hands together.

"Because I bring pain and misery upon people."

"Why would you ever think that?"

"I guess because two of my friends died about a year ago, I still blame myself."

"Since you were in the accident?"

"Yes…"

"That's normal Pony, we all blame ourselves if someone dies, we think. 'Why couldn't it of been me? Why couldn't I have stopped it?' But it's not our fault," Dr. Evan said.

"I started it though!" I shouted.

"No shouting Pony, but no it's not your fault. You may think that but it's not."

"Someone even told me though!"

"That person is wrong, he or she was just trying to get you confused."

"No! They were telling the truth," I said getting frustrated. Dr. Evan sighed, taking her clipboard and writing in it.

"I'm sorry Pony, but you might be going to a Mental Hospital for a month or so until further notice," Dr. Evan said.

I looked at her bewildered. "I don't want to go though!"

"It doesn't matter, it's for your own good but until then, get some rest," Dr. Evan said then grabbed a pill bottle from her pocket, "these are the pills you have to take for your illness Pony," she handed them to Darry. "Take care for now."

"Does he have to stay here?" Soda asked.

"Yes, he'll be staying here for the night," Dr. Evan said, turning around to Darry, "Mr. Curtis, may have a word with you?" Darry simply nodded, following Dr. Evan out of the room.

"Soda! Please I don't want to go!" I shouted, clutching on to his arm.

"I can't do anything Pony…" Soda said.

"I don't care! You have to do something," I said.

"It's out of my…" Before he could answer, I jumped out of my bed then ran toward the door but Soda grabbed me by the wrist. Swinging me back to the room, "Pony! What were you thinking?"

"I really don't want to go," I sobbed, falling to the ground, "I want to go home…"

**AN:  **Wee…yes! I'm done! Whoot whoot! Can't wait until I get this other chapter up! Weee. No review responses for this chapter! Too long, especially like 2 and half pages of review. Any questions then email me! However, I'll do it for next chapter though!

Preview:

"Pony, there's a consequence you should know."

"Which is?"

"If you don't get better in this Mental Hospital. Then I'm sorry to say, you might end up in an asylum."

"An asylum??" I shrieked. No…it can't be…

"Yeah, strange isn't it?"

"But that's for really mental people or crazy!"

"You'll be considered that…"


End file.
